2011 : The Year In Which I’ve Lost Everything

It’s been a long long time since I’ve published something on my blog but it doesn’t mean that I’ve not written anything.  I did write three posts after the trip to the temple but I didn’t want to post them because I saw no reason to do so. Anyways, a quick recap : We had been writing our semester exams last month and we attended quite a few placement training sessions and campus interviews.  After my failure at the Logitech interview in the technical round, a lot has changed inside of me.  I’ve been terribly sick after that and slowly recovering from it ever since.  As for now, everything for this year is over as we wait for the Christmas and the New year which made start to think about what I’ve done in this year. So, this is the 1st part of the 2011 Series in which I’ve discussed about the things I’ve lost in this year. This series of posts are very personal, so I recommend you to move out immediately unless you wish to know about me and myself alone. There’s no inspiration for you and no interesting stuff that you can enjoy from here.

As the post title says, 2011 is definitely ‘the’ year in which I’ve lost literally everything! It’s been an horrific year for me, things just didn’t go well starting from the 1st month. Here are a few reasons to justify it  :

(Bear in mind, that I’ve used a lot of ‘used to’s in this post, which speaks for itself that I do not do those things now)

I’ve lost my Passion :

As everyone knows, I had a strong passion towards Technology and Gaming.  I used to be very hungry for learning more and more about the latest tech and trying out the latest games. I don’t know what happened to me but I’ve clearly lost my passion towards it.  Even if I check out the latest reviews and news across the various tech websites, it’s mainly because I think I’m slowly losing my interest and not to quench my thirst for daily new tech.  Whatever I try, I couldn’t cope up with the trends of twitter and I’m definitely not the first person to tell everyone about the new innovations and tech news that goes on increasing everyday.  To make things worse, there were times when few of my friends taught me what’s happening in the tech-world. I really don’t feel like a Tech Whizkid anymore.

I’ve lost my Potential :

In the years back, I used to be more potent in everything I do.  I was tough to beat in video games, find out solutions fast in programming, memorize songs faster than anyone, cook various dishes without any help. But I guess I’ve lost those too in this year.  I was not able to finish several games without walkthroughs, I couldn’t talk in english I used to, I couldn’t even understand what the guys were talking in the multiplayer sessions of the very few games in which I tried multiplayer. I was not quick in creating flash greeting cards for my friends and family, I even forgot how to get help for things from the internet when I faced difficulties when I work. I was not able to attract anyone easily with my unique style, I was too bad in my jokes, I became a boring guy to many people who had seriously lost interest in me which also signifies that I’ve lost people’s trust in me.

I’ve lost my Creativity :

Creativity was a word which I used to think is a perfect word to define myself but I’ve lost that too.  I used to create a lot of tunes myself with Fruity Loops Studio and the plentiful amount of musical instruments we have in our home, I used to create custom logos for many of the websites and product ideas I come up with. Being a Sambarian Leader and Sketcher, I used to sketch landscapes so realistically in my sketchpad with whatever I see with my eyes that I my old neighbors used to get astounded with.  Now, I do not even know how to draw a face of a Mickey Mouse properly.   I’ve lost my touch with origami in which I used to be an expert. I started to see a lot of websites for inspiring myself to draw logos. As everyone knows, I look for pixel perfection in everything I do but now although I’m not satisfied with my work, I don’t not try to make things better as I used to do. Meaning, I started to give up.

I’ve lost my Productivity :

This is the probably the most shameful thing for me. I used to boast myself that I’m very productive. I’ll be trying to make the most of everything I own, I even would try to push my electronic devices to their limits especially my Ike.  Having a $320 smartphone, I used to take a lot of pictures, edit them directly on my phone, share them directly through online services, find ways to places using GPS, use voice recognition to access the menus, set my own custom equalizer for music, try out a lot of apps. But for the shame, now I don’t do nothing more than text, text, text.  I’m definitely not worthy to own a smartphone now, as even a $20 mobile phone can do the same thing that I do nowadays.  Knowing that in mind, I’ve stopped dreaming to buy an iPhone or an Android device. Same goes for my online presence, I used to feel proud that I own a fast internet connection and squeeze it to its maximum potential.  But now, all I do online is chat, chat, chat.  My monthly bandwidth doesn’t even cross 5GB unless I download games or movies.  Last year, I used to download a hell lot of tutorials, videos for learning and even used to wonder there’s no space on my hard drive. I used to try out and create a lot of videos using 3DS Max and Adobe After Effects but now I do not even know how to create a simple transition without experimenting for at least 15 minutes. I bought a MacBook Pro to increase my creativity and productivity but it gave total negativity. I use a $2700 extremely powerful and expensive laptop mostly just for chatting!! Holy crap, I totally want to take out a pistol and shoot myself in my head for doing this. Still worse, I could have tried to make texting and chatting in a productive way but all I did was ask the insanely stupid question ‘what doing?‘ to others and waste 90% of my SMS in talking bitter nonsense. I’m the only one to be blamed because none of this would happened if I had obeyed my parents’ words. Realizing that I’ve lost a lot of productivity, I feel very disturbed like I’ve lost my inner peace.

I’ve lost my mentor, Steve :

Although Apple Co-Founder Steve Jobs doesn’t know me, I used to have him as my indirect mentor.  I had learnt a lot from him from his keynotes, simplicity and style and even used to replicate him in the works I do.  He taught me to live for myself and stop living someone else’s life.  He made me realize being selfish is not a bad act at all unless it affects others.  He also made me realize that we can change the world, if we are think and act different. More about Steve and how he changed my life can be found on the post here.

I’ve lost my Friends :

By friends, I mean Shubham, Muhil Akka, Hari Prasanth, Kaushika, and many others who were my neighbors 9 years ago.  Till this year, I used to have a strong hope that I could meet them again and enjoy with them at least for a single day but all those hopes suddenly shattered into mid-air for a reason I really don’t know.  Maybe its because of the long time-span, or that they might have changed in character, or that they are very far away from me. Whatever it is, they are still my best friends but I just don’t have the hope that I could meet them again.  If I get a chance to meet them, it would rather be a surprise than just an ordinary friendly meeting as I hoped along these years. Now the friends I have, also seem to be a little lost. The friends who say that they are always there for me – doesn’t seem to be how I want them to be. And the friends whom are in the way how I want them to be and the way I like, are not close to me at all.  Yeah, pretty sick!

I’ve lost my Faith and Hope in God :

Although this is not totally true, I strongly feel that I’ve lost hope and faith in god because of the horrible things that had happened to me this year.  Having survived 4 long years in NIET, I thought finally there could be some bliss in my life with the placements. But the failure at Logitech, crushed every hope and faith I had in god.  I became terribly sick only because of that, I had lied in bed almost for a week continuously and still I’ve not been cured completely. I do not have any sort of clear vision for my future. I do not even know whether I have to study further or goto work.  Whatever it is, I guess it’s going to depend only on my work and I don’t think any external power can help me through it.

I’ve lost my Love for Music :

The reason for this is definitely unclear, I used to love music a lot.  It served as a medicine for me whenever I’m down just like it would for many other music lovers.   I’m still a fan of Linkin Park & Backstreet Boys but my Last.fm profile gives a clear proof that I’ve lost my touch with music.

I’ve lost my Motto :

I have several mottos for myself and one of them is the famous slogan ‘Impossible Is Nothing’.  Till this year, I really believed for myself that nothing is impossible. I thought we could do whatever we aim for, if we continuously work hard for it.  But this year, I realized that it can be false.  There were just many events that proved this fact this year as I failed my missions one by one. Of course the words of Muhammed Ali cannot be false, but it is false as far as I’m concerned.  I don’t think that everything on this planet is possible from now on.

I’ve lost my English :

As you are reading this post, or just skimming it fast, you might feel that there is a lot of grammatical and vocabulary errors everywhere.  Well the reason is clear, I’m not strong in English as I used to be.  I feel very sorry that I’ve let the name of SBOA down as I face difficulty to read, write and speak in proper English. Joining forces with my stage fear, my disability in English makes me look poor in everything ranging from watching movies to playing multiplayer games.  Words just don’t come out from my mouth in a flow when I talk in english, I have to think what word to use in advance in order to talk fluently. It’s a clear sign that I’ve lost my fluency in English.

I’ve lost my Personal Fitness :

I don’t say that I was fit last year, but I at least tried to become like JJ.  This year, I had no motive to keep myself fit as I lived the way just the way it drove me.  Parents shouting at me to take care of my health became a usual words-to-mutter everyday but I was not following it. My health became serious poor by this end of the year as I take a few steps to make it better.

Well, That’s Everything, Right?

The answer is yes, these were everything that actually defined me.  I took a month to think over these and I have not exaggerated anything here.  You might argue that I still have everything I’ve mentioned here and say that I’ve not lost anything.  Well, if you had known me very well, I’m sure you might discovered that I’ve a changed a lot worse and that I was more creative, potent, productive in the previous years than this year.  Now, I don’t even know what to do as I loiter in my home without any interest to do anything or talk to anyone. I loved this year ’2011′ very much as the way it sounds : ‘Two Thousand and Eleven’ but I didn’t expect that this could turn out to be the worst year in my life till now.  I don’t even like the sound of 2012, but let’s just wait and see how it turns to be. I don’t have any hopes, I don’t know what I’ll be doing in the upcoming year, I don’t know whether I’ll gain anything that I’ve lost this year, its a totally blank year for me with new horizons and surprises.